I went to a party last Saturday night; I didn’t get laid, but I didn’t get in a fight, either. It was the first time I’d been out socially since I got into town, and while it was fun and I got to see a lot of people I hadn’t seen in a long time (some of them since high school), it made me realize that my romantic options in that social circle are basically nonexistent, which is particularly unfortunate since that’s the only social circle around here that I’m even marginally a part of. That’s the problem with going away for so long then coming back, I guess.
I’m not even sure I really want to do any dating or anything while I’m here, since I don’t know how long I’ll be here and kind of want to move away as soon as possible. I’m pretty lonely, though, and it might be nice to at least test the waters, I guess. Match.com is offering a free trial to members of my graduating class, but when I asked about it on Unfogged people were pretty down on it as compared to other online dating sites. If I were in a bigger city I would probably try Craigslist first, but it hasn’t really caught on here yet. I’ve heard good things about OKCupid, but I looked around there a bit and the pickings seemed pretty slim (which makes me marvel at how bad Match must be), plus I saw an awful lot of people on there who are in relationships and aren’t looking to meet people at all, which seems strange for a dating site, but whatever. Maybe all the fun quizzes and stuff have had some unintended effects.
I haven’t looked at all the sites that have been recommended to me (Nerve, obviously, and I’m sure there are others that I can’t recall at the moment), so I’m not yet writing off online dating entirely, but what I’ve seen so far is not very encouraging. My mom keeps talking about that damn “Date the Ivies” thing that’s always advertising in the New Yorker, but I don’t have any real desire to limit myself that much, plus I doubt there’s a very significant population of alumni of elite schools in this area anyway.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this; I’m mostly just musing. Anyone have any thoughts or advice?
Sunlit Water 
Yeah, hon. Since you’re there short-term, why not try things? You don’t have anything to lose, since you won’t have to live with any mistakes you make. You’re just trying things, getting practice for your next big move. You’re just learning things, like how to go in for a kiss. You aren’t trying to score the big magic relationship (which you prolly don’t even want right now, ’cause it would anchor you to home). So it is OK if the situations aren’t optimal. Place a CL ad. So what if there isn’t a ton of traffic there, you might go on a few mediocre dates. Might as well learn how to do that now. This is short-term, shug, so try things that aren’t exactly right.
Comment by Megan — June 19, 2007 @ 12:16 am |
While I take your point, a CL ad probably isn’t the best way to go; the overwhelmingly likely outcome is not “a few mediocre dates” but “no response at all.” I might try one of the other sites, though.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 12:22 am |
I’m with Megan. I passed up a few opportunities when I was traveling to different cities all the time for work since I didn’t want to risk getting caught up in something when I was just going to move in a couple of months and really regret it. Most likely, you aren’t going to meet “the one” right now anyway and those short-term things can teach you a lot about yourself, what you want in another person, and how to feel comfortable on a date.
Also, if you start putting your life on hold, it’s hard to know when to stop. First, you’ll say “later” because you’re only going to be home for a few months, then “later” because you need some time to focus on getting settled in your new city/job, then “later” because you want a promotion and soon it’s way later than you expected and you’ll wonder where the time went.
Match seems to be far more relationship-minded and Nerve more casual sex-minded. I think the people who were down on it might have been looking for something different than you.
Comment by Becks — June 19, 2007 @ 8:42 am |
I’m not really sure what I’m looking for, though. Not casual sex in the extreme, one-night-stand sense, but probably not a really serious relationship either at this point, given that I’m only going to be here for a short but indeterminate amount of time.
True enough on the “it’ll never be the right time” observation, though.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 11:29 am |
Yes on the CL thing, and don’t write off your hometown crowd. Dating is a ‘strength of weak ties’ thing — while you aren’t going to date anyone you already know through that crowd, they have college friends who may visit, out-of-town cousins, people they’ve met since the last time you knew them…
As long as you’re getting out of the house, you’ll be meeting people.
(Also, that wiki game? Looks wildly entertaining. I stayed away because I should be working, but run another one sometime.)
Comment by LizardBreath — June 19, 2007 @ 1:10 pm |
I’m skeptical about the strength of weak ties in this case; I’ve already met pretty much all the people they’ve met since high school, and they all went to college about five minutes away from where we all grew up, so there aren’t a whole lot of new people likely to appear any time soon. Plus the social scene is apparently getting pretty dead now that people are graduating and moving away, so opportunities to even see them are likely to be limited.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 1:16 pm |
Yeah, but what is your opportunity cost?
Comment by Megan — June 19, 2007 @ 1:50 pm |
I wouldn’t judge Nerve as being casual-sex oriented, though that’s what some people use it for. I’ve met lots of people on Nerve who were looking for big-deal stuff, not-big-deal stuff, and everything in between. Mostly it’s people who, like Teo, aren’t really sure what they would want with a particular person, but would like to have interesting dates.
I think more people should join the wiki game, too, even if they don’t commit to the whole run, but that’s just me.
Comment by A White Bear — June 19, 2007 @ 6:33 pm |
I’m hesitant about adding more people to the game at this point, because it’s kind of a pain when people drop out. We could probably use some alternates, though.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 6:54 pm |
The wiki game sounded like fun but I didn’t really hear about it in time to figure out that I could sign up.
téo, does Teo U have an alumni club in your area? If they do, and the young alumni have weekly or monthly social events, you should get involved. It’s a good way to meet people.
I guess the only other advice I have is to stop finding reasons why not to go out and meet people. Even if you’re not in town long. Playing the odds, chances are you won’t meet the love of your life, but you’ll have fun. And if you do meet the love of your life, you can jump off that bridge when you come to it.
Comment by Cala — June 19, 2007 @ 6:57 pm |
And if you do meet the love of your life, you can jump off that bridge when you come to it.
I take it the wedding planning is going well.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 7:53 pm |
Teo, I’m pretty sure I’m repeating myself from some Unfogged thread or other, but I haven’t gone to search for it. So here goes:
1) I’ve heard wildly varying Match success stories based on a) geography, b) age range, c) type of relationship one is interested in. Don’t write it off just because a group of folks with different geography, in a different age group didn’t think it worked for them.
2) On the CL stuff — one way to get marginally more responses, I hypothesize, is to put up a specific date idea. I mean, the King Tut exhibit is here in town and a few months back CL had a few posts from people saying “I have two tickets for Saturday at 3:30; anybody want to go?” etc. What’s good about stuff like that is it commits you to doing something to get out of the house, regardless of whether somebody nibbles. (Now I am vaguely remembering a long thread about this with JM, some other NYer, and possibly eb.)
Your tolerance for doing stuff like this alone (if nobody nibbles) may vary, of course. Not all of us like going to the theater or a lecture alone. But some of us tend to enjoy it. 🙂
3) And again, I know I’m a broken record, but MeetUp.com. I love my Spanish conversation group, and some people do use it as a dating pool (not in a horrible meat-market way). OTOH, I wouldn’t go near the MeetUp atheists group in my area with a ten-foot pole.
I dunno, I think that’s about what I’ve got.
Comment by Witt — June 19, 2007 @ 8:34 pm |
My tolerance for doing stuff alone is pretty high, so that’s definitely an option, but doing something alone when you had hoped to do it with someone is a rather different and less pleasant experience than just planning to do it alone from the get-go. Again, though, the problem with CL is that hardly anyone seems to read it; most days the w4m section has maybe 2 posts (if that), the m4w section maybe 10. I may look at Match, though, just to see what it’s like. The geographical variance issue had occurred to me before, but I hadn’t heard anything from anyone about actual differences.
I don’t know about MeetUp. The problem is that there’s nothing in particular I really want to meet up about in and of itself, so if I started going to something it would basically just be to meet women, which is probably not the best plan.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 8:54 pm |
Argh, I’m still up. I have got to get to sleep. Anyway: Few posts on CL doesn’t necessarily mean few readers. Could be a lot of folks lurking and thinking “This is it? Nothing much going on, is there?”
That to me is a signal that if you post, be distinctive. A generic post is the least likely to compel somebody out of the woodwork. Something quite specific to hang your hat on is a good idea, in my book.
Also, maybe people in NM don’t use Craigslist. Is there some local version that is more popular?
Comment by Witt — June 19, 2007 @ 10:01 pm |
I’m pretty sure it’s just that people in NM don’t use CL, which is why I keep saying that it doesn’t seem like a fruitful path to pursue, and there isn’t any local alternative either. It’s a small state (fewer than 2 million people) with a largely poor, rural population; not the kind of place where online services have had a big impact.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 10:58 pm |
Okay, I just signed up for Nerve. At first glance, I see some definite possibilities.
Comment by teofilo — June 19, 2007 @ 11:56 pm |