No Thanks, Mrs. Robinson

I don’t have a whole lot of hang-ups about relationships. Part of that is, of course, the lack of experience; there’s no way I could even begin to make up a list of people I won’t date, because I don’t even know what attributes I like and dislike. But it’s also that, as I mentioned recently, being alone has given me a lot of time to think about what I really want, and all that thinking has made me realize that there are very few things about a woman that would make me uncomfortable dating her a priori. Race, religion, educational background: not issues for me. There is, however, one factor that does make me a little wary, and that’s age difference.

I think a lot of this goes back to my family situation; my sister is 22 months younger than me but only a year behind me in school, so most of the younger girls I knew growing up were her friends (who I considered obviously off-limits to me for dating purposes). At the same time, there was a persistent tendency for girls to date older boys, so the girls my own age, the main objects of my affection, were always dating (sometimes much) older guys. I was hugely resentful of that at the time, and I felt kind of trapped because of it; I didn’t feel right dating younger, because of my sister, but I couldn’t date girls my own age because they weren’t interested. Obviously this wasn’t universally true–the one girlfriend I did have in high school was in my year, and there were others who I later found out had had crushes on me–but it seemed like it at the time, and I was mostly focusing on the hott girls, who were the ones dating the sketchy older dudes. I later realized that those girls were really obnoxious and I didn’t really miss out on anything, but it sucked at the time.

I once asked my sister why girls always wanted to date older guys, and she said it was because the older guys were so much more attractive. That was not a reassuring answer.

I never even considered dating older girls; I figured they would be totally uninterested in me given the dynamic I mentioned above. I never did find out if that was accurate. In any case, I was way too shy back then to make any bold moves against the prevailing mores.

When I got to college, at first I kept up with just going after the girls in my year, but after a few of my attempts were rebuffed and I realized that being so strict about the age thing was not helping, I started to branch out a little toward the upper end and ask some girls in the year ahead of mine. That didn’t work either, but they were better fits for me personality-wise and I ended up staying friends with some of them. I haven’t yet attempted going down a year or two (not as much of a problem now that my sister isn’t around), but I’ve considered it and still may. I’m a little skittish on account of all the rejection, though, so I don’t know when I’ll feel up to it.

One thing I find a little creepy, though this is mainly just my own hang-ups stemming from the other issues, is relationships with big age differences. This was recently brought up elsewhere. Older man/younger woman is obviously the more common of such pairings, but older woman/younger man happens too. I know there’s nothing wrong with such relationships as long as both parties are consenting adults who know what they’re getting into, but I can’t help but feel a little uncomfortable about them. Again, no offense to those who are in them; this is just a personal thing of mine. My sister met a guy this summer who was several years older than her, and although I found it a little uncomfortable to talk about I didn’t have any problem with it as long as she was happy. They broke up recently, but I haven’t talked to her about it so I don’t know if the age difference played a role or not.

I do, however, wonder how this sort of thing works. I’d appreciate some comments from people who have been in relationships like this; how is it different from being with someone your own age? Do people look at you funny? If so, how do you deal with that? And, for me the big one, what makes someone seek out this kind of thing? Because I really just can’t imagine it.

That is to say, I don’t see myself ever looking for someone more than a few years older or younger than me. In fact, that’s the one thing I can think of that would make me think twice about going out with someone right off the bat, and I think it would be hard to overcome. I don’t care what other people do, but I don’t think I’d be comfortable in a situation like that. But like I say, I don’t know about any of this from personal experience, so I invite any and all thoughts on this issue.