Sunlit Water

July 15, 2006

Underwater Sex

Filed under: Sex — by teofilo @ 6:07 pm

I know absolutely nothing about underwater sex, but that (including variants thereof) is consistently the most common search string leading people here.  I find it unfortunate that I’m unable to help these poor souls looking for underwater sex, but there’s really nothing I, personally, have to say about it.  So, in the interests of giving the people what they want, I open the floor to my readers.  Any thoughts on underwater sex?

31 Comments »

  1. Better as a fantasy than in reality?

    Comment by A White Bear — July 15, 2006 @ 6:41 pm |Reply

  2. yea its nice

    Comment by g bb — July 16, 2006 @ 3:04 am |Reply

  3. For the sake of your blog, you must now undertake some field research.

    Comment by Becks — July 16, 2006 @ 3:52 pm |Reply

  4. Becks is right. Also, for the sake of the lost underwatersexless souls who leave here unfulfilled.

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 16, 2006 @ 7:43 pm |Reply

  5. Now there’s a thought…

    Nah, the rivers here are highly polluted and I don’t know of any nearby swimming pools. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

    Comment by teofilo — July 16, 2006 @ 7:43 pm |Reply

  6. 5 was to Becks, although it works just as well to Macarena. And believe me, my thoughts are always with the lost underwatersexless souls. Isn’t there anybody who can help them?

    Comment by teofilo — July 16, 2006 @ 7:47 pm |Reply

  7. I have a pool, but I can’t help them.

    And that’s too bad, because the claims about underwater sex were what I found most outlandish about The Temp.

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 16, 2006 @ 7:53 pm |Reply

  8. For what not to do, see Showgirls.

    Comment by Becks — July 16, 2006 @ 8:40 pm |Reply

  9. So much negativity in this thread. Who, I ask, will stand up and instruct these poor souls in the proper ways of underwater sex? Look at them, lost and helpless, aimlessly moving from site to site, seeking the one that will give them what they want but never finding it. Well I say this site will give them what they want, if someone will only provide it. But who will it be?

    Comment by teofilo — July 16, 2006 @ 9:01 pm |Reply

  10. The trick is to start with small bodies of water — say, a hot tub — and work from there.

    Comment by LizardBreath — July 17, 2006 @ 5:16 pm |Reply

  11. That’s the spirit, teofilo. Now, grab a partner, climb the fence, and jump in my pool!

    LizardBreath is a wicked awesome name.

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 17, 2006 @ 7:46 pm |Reply

  12. I see at least one problem with your suggestion, Macarena.

    Comment by teofilo — July 17, 2006 @ 8:05 pm |Reply

  13. Climbing the fence? Dude, what happened to your determination? Because I assumed you wouldn’t do it while the pool’s open, and not just because of the less attractive J. Law. I don’t know what Baywatch would do, but rather than confronting you, my neighbors would tattle to the poor building manager. When I moved in, they lamented to same that they had to walk around my van to get to the pool.

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 17, 2006 @ 9:27 pm |Reply

  14. What determination? I’m pretty meek. And I wouldn’t want to trouble the poor building manager.

    Comment by teofilo — July 17, 2006 @ 9:39 pm |Reply

  15. Meek? At any rate, you’re cute.

    The determination you had when you decided this blog would help the underwatersexless souls! I was with you! I am captivated by your blog title and whatever else is leading me to serially comment.

    It’s a chain-link fence. Does that help? I realize it might help if I tried it my goddamned self before suggesting it, but I was the good girl in my family and didn’t realize, until well after I’d moved out, that it was too late to rebel. Rebellion would have served me well today, when Baywatch or his imposter didn’t open on time.

    What did you think of the hot tub suggestion? Is that enough room “underwater”?

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 17, 2006 @ 10:16 pm |Reply

  16. Aw shucks, Macarena. I concede that I may have shown some determination in writing this post.

    A chain-link fence is quite scalable, but note that I said “at least one.” A hot tub sounds like plenty of room, at least according to the inimitable LB (in whom I have complete and total faith) but I don’t have one. Do you?

    Comment by teofilo — July 17, 2006 @ 10:23 pm |Reply

  17. Here are the problems presented by underwater sex.

    1) If the water is cold, there can be a shrinkage problem. I imagine, though I am not sure, that it is difficult to maintain an erection in such conditions. Thus, underwater sex should be undertaken in a) a hot tub b) on a very warm summer night.

    2) Proper thrusting can be difficult because of the resistance provided by, you know, being in water. More of a problem than it sounds like.

    3) The water can tend to wash away the natural vaginal lubrication.

    There, teofilo, I’ve dirtied up yr blog. You happy now?

    Comment by silvana — July 18, 2006 @ 11:44 am |Reply

  18. Very. Thanks silvana!

    Comment by teofilo — July 18, 2006 @ 4:01 pm |Reply

  19. I don’t have a hot tub. Austin Powers wept!

    Comment by ~Macarena~ — July 18, 2006 @ 4:48 pm |Reply

  20. Don’t worry, silvana’s stepped up to the plate with some real-world info. I’m skeptical of her (1), though; in my experience, cold water is not a problem for maintaining an erection.

    Comment by teofilo — July 18, 2006 @ 5:27 pm |Reply

  21. Yeah, cold water can be, well, hott. Were I not the picture of modesty and decorum, I could share a story about a freezing cold shower on a muggy summer night in New Orleans.

    Comment by Becks — July 18, 2006 @ 6:31 pm |Reply

  22. Unfortunately for us all, Becks is indeed the picture of modesty and decorum.

    Comment by teofilo — July 18, 2006 @ 7:04 pm |Reply

  23. Someone once told me that the suction can cause two people to get stuck together if you have sex underwater, which could be a difficult trip to the emergency room. It seems improbable to me, but I was too afraid it was true to ever try it. I worried about getting stuck together in the ocean and swept out to sea to be eaten by giant squid.

    Although the giant squid will go hungry if no one gets swept out to sea for them to eat. It is a problem.

    Comment by winna — July 19, 2006 @ 1:49 am |Reply

  24. Don’t squids boink underwater?

    Squids? Enlighten us.

    Comment by Stanley — July 19, 2006 @ 3:24 am |Reply

  25. Squid are awesome. The squid has a modified tentacle for depositing sperm in the female, the hectocotylus. It’s extremely long and powerful in the giant squid because female giant squid have big old beaks that could chomp the male squid, so the hectocotylus is like a sort of fire hose of lurve. So that occasionally in the dark in the deeps the male giant squid make mistakes and penetrate their own or some other male squid’s tentacles.

    Seriously!

    http://www.cdnn.info/news/eco/e050925.html

    Underwater sex is apparently risky even for the giant squid.

    Comment by winna — July 19, 2006 @ 9:33 am |Reply

  26. I hope Tia’s reading this thread.

    Comment by teofilo — July 19, 2006 @ 7:00 pm |Reply

  27. Oh! I was out on Tuesday and heard an underwater sex story.

    A friend-of-a-friend who sits on the co-op board in her building was interviewing a prospective tenant who was a bit young (mommy and daddy were paying for the apartment) and she seemed all sweet and nice and innocent so they were going to approve her application…until one of the other people on the board produced a bunch of printouts from the girl’s MySpace site that showed she was, in fact, Little Miss Throws Loud and Crazy Parties That Annoy The Neighbors and is Getting Kicked Out of Her Current Apartment For Guests Puking in the Hallway. The “underwater sex” comes in because one of the entries he printed out for the board was about the girl visiting her grandmother in her retirement home and then picking up some random guy and sneaking into the retirement home pool late at night to have sex.

    (Late-Night Underwater Retirement Home Pool Sex? How about *that* for some freaky Google hits.)

    Comment by Becks — July 27, 2006 @ 11:38 pm |Reply

  28. Underwater sex is good, but then again any sex is good, you shouldnt be fussy.

    Comment by David — March 21, 2007 @ 12:15 pm |Reply

  29. I think better reality than fantasy, Dream on.

    Comment by Deane — June 5, 2007 @ 11:42 pm |Reply

  30. What the heck is underwear sex? I heard of toy, beastily and others but never this. Maybe something new genere people cooked up. :)

    Comment by Britney Kolman — June 16, 2007 @ 9:27 am |Reply

  31. Watch out for sharks

    Comment by Resell Rights — November 2, 2007 @ 2:12 pm |Reply


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